You can’t be everything

One of my closest friends writes beautiful poetry and over six months ago she read out one of poems to our circle of friends. I don’t remember the name of the poem or much of the content but I do remember one line so clearly – there are so many things that I’m not, but there are so many things that I am.

This one line has been resinating with me for months. However, it is only now that I’m realising why it’s been of such a high significance to me. While at my core I believe I am the same person, on the outside I’m conflicted with who I am as an individual. It seems that I know who I am and where I feel most comfortable, but I want something different, something I’m not and in the long run I don’t want to be either.

I’ve always been one to enjoy going out for food, drinking hot tea, wearing skirts and frilly socks like some kind of grownup child, having a couple cocktails with my girl friends, reading books with beautiful covers and staying in watching movies late at night… However, recently I’ve been wanting to go out in the city and have a crazy night that I might not even remember, fit into a tight dress that will get attention from boys and do stupid things that will make for great stories the next day. I’ve always done ‘cute’ well (probably because I’m tiny being 5’1) and all guys seem to think of me as their little sister of whom they trust, love and want to play fight with… However in the last few weeks, I haven’t wanted to be cute or seen as a sister, I want to be that girl that’s unattainable.

The thing is, I’m trying to be everything all at once. But as my friend stated in her poem, there is so many things that I’m not… I’m not that person that lately I’ve been trying to be… and to be completely honest I’m grateful because I love who I am.

I’m the girl who is innocent and cute, who honestly enjoys homewares and baking. I’m the girl who seems to have missed the stage of rebelling against their parents and instead went straight to the stage of middle-aged mother, always trying to make sure everyone is okay. I’m the girl who can’t tell you of crazy nights out but instead of nice places to eat, good books to read and chilled music to listen to.

So, yes my friend was completely right… about me and about you… there are so many things that we’re not, but there are so many things that we are!

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Focus on friendship

As much as I hate to admit it, it’s time I face the truth… I devote way too much of my time to boys and I rely on their attention too strongly for my happiness.

It’s not that I need a boyfriend, because I don’t feel that I do… but I like that confirmation that somebody is thinking of me, and for some reason I generally look towards boys for that. However, after going out for brunch with two of my good friends this morning and then out for dinner with my best friend tonight, I realised how much I truly value their friendship. They make me laugh and smile, without any hidden agenda of ‘getting with me’ (yes, I know not all guys just want that).

I’ve had enough of below par tinder meetups with guys who claim to be so much more online.
I’ve had enough of desiring guys who have morals that don’t line up with mine, yet I like them because they’re ‘interesting’.
I’ve had enough of being disappointed when a guy questions why I don’t want to sleep with him after meeting up once or twice.

From this moment forth, I plan to seek to spend my spare time with those I know already love and care for me. I want to be filled with the joy my friends bring me every time I see them. When I’m feeling lonely, instead of turning to a guy for attention, I want to turn to my friend’s for affection.

Here’s to focussing on friendship!

Making him love you

It’s taken 10 months but I can now confidently say I’m over him. I no longer think of him every passing day and I no longer find myself dreaming of him or the times we shared together. It no longer makes me sad that he’s not there to laugh with during the day or to cuddle at night.

He was my higschool sweetheart. He was my best friend. He has been the greatest love of my life… so far.

The first year was perfect; full of laughter, late night calls, tickle fights, sharing of secrets and long messages of adoration. The second year started out just as wonderful, but slowly for reasons I will not dive into in this post, he lost his motivation, passion and confidence. Ultimately, it strained our relationship more than we realised at the time.

I felt him showing me less and less attention as weeks went by. It is only now that I look back and see how much it affected me. With him, desiring me less I felt an urge to make him love me. I started changing the way I dressed, the music I listened to and the things I spoke about. I also found myself exaggerating my emotions in attempt to get him to hug me and tell me he loves me. Without noticing, I stopped spending time with friends as much and instead would use my spare time wasting it on him. I say ‘wasting’ because a lot of the time we’d sit and watch TV, something that could have been done without me – my time with him wasn’t valued.

I became something I wasn’t, and I lost my spark. Then he broke up with me.

Thinking back now, it made me realise that trying to make someone love you leads to them not loving you at all.

A more serious example of this is my Mother and Father. My Dad, again for reasons I will not go into in this post, has become a man that he was not a few years back and with each passing year he gets worse. Dad doesn’t show any love to Mum, even though she so desperately deserves his affection. In my whole life, I have one memory of them hugging and no memory them saying ‘I love you’. The majority of the time I hear them speaking to each other, it’s about money. That’s not a healthy relationship. Although Mum doesn’t seem to go out of her way to make him love her, she has lost her individuality. She never does anything for herself, she no longer expresses her creativity and she doesn’t go out and see friends, all for the reason that it’s ‘too hard’ because of Dad.

If you want somebody to love you, be yourself. Make time to enjoy the things you delight in, leave room to see friends often and express yourself in whatever way it is that motivates you. If they fall for you then that’s wonderful and best of luck… but if not, that’s okay too. People like people who have passions and are motivated towards things, even if it’s not an interest of theirs; it’s encouraging seeing people strive for what they love in life. Don’t ever change yourself for someone to make them love you, because trying to make someone love you leads to them not loving you at all.

Who inspires you?

A few weeks ago I had a job interview in which they asked me all the typical questions like ‘What makes you think you’d fit in well with the company?’ and ‘Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?’ I’d prepared myself for all the questions I thought they’d ask, however they asked me one question which I hadn’t prepared for and that was ‘Who inspires you?’.

I felt an immediate pressure say someone such as Nelson Mandela or Anne Frank; somebody they’d know. But the truth is, I’m inspired by people who most likely aren’t known by this potential employer that was interviewing me.

I’m inspired by my friends Mum who works within the business side of a charity organisation because she recognises the social side would be too much for her to handle emotionally but still wants to be part of something potentially life changing.

I’m inspired by my cousin who is pressuring her passion for design and art, despite it being a nearly impossible field to get into without knowing the right people.

I’m inspired by my best friend who’s love for Jesus Christ is so pure and real, being around her during worship at church encourages me to continue my faith.

I’m inspired by another one of my friends who is about to enter into motherhood as a single teenage woman, knowing she has the strength because of her friends and family who support her.

I’m inspired by an acquaintance from higschool that left at the year of year 10, who has decided two years later to go back and get her year 12 certification.

I’m inspired by the mother who came into work today and told me how her husband had left her a year ago for another woman, and she’s using her heartbreak to write a book to inspire other woman to be empowered in hard times.

Yes, people such as Nelson Mandela and Anne Frank may have done inspiring things, but it’s important not to look past the inspiring things those who surround us are also doing.

So, I ask you, who inspires you? It is your Mum, your best friend, your neighbour, someone from work? Whoever it may be, let them know and encourage them!

Love and reflection

It doesn’t matter if you love someone, if they can’t feel it. People show love in different ways, some through kind words, others through physical touch or quality time and so on. It’s deep within our makeup that we are to be surrounded with those who love and care for us… and therefore I think it’s important to understand what makes those around us feel the most loved.

As I grow old I desire to have friends who have the ability to make me truly laugh when I want to cry, a husband who is willing to hold me while I talk through my probably wildly unrealistic thoughts, and family members that I know I can trust with my life.

The last few weeks I’ve been finding myself feeling both loved and unloved at the same time. I’ve been noticing I want to be alone to consolidate and think through my past few months of non-stop adventure doing a season at the snow. However, I also want to be held to feel that physical connection and know that someone is there for me. These conflicting attitudes have been causing me difficulties in knowing and feeling that I’m loved, because for some reason although I crave it, I seem to be pushing it away.

I desire attention from those who don’t provide it and I overlook those who do.

However, when I take a step back from my constantly-moving life and stop to give myself time to reflect, I can see there’s a constant underlying sense of love pouring out from my friends and family. When I stop to think I allow myself to remember all the times my friends and family have driven for an hour and a half to come visit me, when they’ve given me beautiful gifts for my birthday or talked to me for hours about a boy that’s upsetting me despite being in a mood that is not even slightly ready to be okay. I think back to times that friends and family have been distressed and come to me for advice and support; the fact that they trust their concerns with me and have faith that I have the ability to make a difference in their thinking is comforting.

Maybe I’m closed minded, maybe I’m ignorant or maybe I’m self-centred… That I’m not sure, but I know for a fact when I take the time to reflect there has never been a moment that I’ve felt unloved.

I want to show love to those around me, in ways that I know they’ll feel… Just as they show me.

Who am I you ask?

Am I anything more than a reflection – a mirror image – of those who I surround myself with? Most days it seems not.
I dance when my friends dance.
I sing when my friends sing.
I copy their mannerisms.
I replicate their speech patterns.
I love what they love.
I’ve always been this way…
But that’s okay because like a new born taking bits and pieces from both of their parents, I take from my friends to create my own unique beauty. A beauty so pure it’s worth its weight in gold, I’m constantly creating something new – me.
So when I get asked ‘what makes you, you?’… I simply cannot answer because I am not defined by any one quality or interest, instead I am a collection of things I find admirable in my friends and family.

The worlds perceptions.

Perception: in terms of psychology means an individual and unified awareness derived from sensory processes.

The whole concept that each and everyone of us sees things in a slightly different way amazes me.
Our views on the world are like our thumbprints: unique and complex.

Our views about the world and how it should be are unified in a way that enables us to make sense of what we see, hear, smell, taste and feel. It’s believed that as our minds gain knew information we find a way to connect it with something already in our minds.

This leads me to wonder about our society. In the fast-pace technological generation in which I’ve been born, it’s not uncommon to scroll through Facebook, Instagram or Twitter and find at least two or three comments each day about how ‘society sucks’ and that ‘people are messed up’ or that ‘you can’t trust anyone’.
… This saddens me.

Of course, I don’t really know much more about these people than their name, maybe the school they went to or a couple of people they are or were closely associated with… However, I find it hard to believe that they truly have nobody willing to be there for them or nothing to be grateful for.

It’s all about perception.
We can block out the bad things in our lives meaning we also have the ability to block out the goods things too.

Society doesn’t suck. It’s what you make of it.
People aren’t messed up: It’s what you see in them.
You can trust people: but realise mistakes happen, even to the best of us.

Inspired the a quote in the TV Serious Once Upon A Time.
‘Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing.’

The choices we make.

A couple of nights ago I was thinking about the saying that ‘you are the choices you make’.

While I’ve always believed this and it’s obvious that our choices define the path we are on, I’ve never really thought beyond the surface of what this truly means.

In this very moment the people we know, the place we are now and thing we are currently doing have been established due to the choices we have made in the past. Every decision we’ve made has been formed and developed from the previous decision to create this very moment.

Then I thought even deeper into the topic and I realised… The choices that have directed us to the people we’ve meet and the places we’ve been and the things we’ve done, have all influenced who we are as a person.
You’ll often hear people say that they “wouldn’t be where they are without *insert name*” or that “*insert country* changed them. People and experiences, don’t just come and go but they affect everything about who we are as a person: our beliefs and values included.

So when people tell you to “be careful”… listen.
Because your choices will affect more than just a moment in your life, they’ll affect who you are as a person.

You are the people you meet, the places you go and the things you do.

And the greatest of these is love!

Love is a powerful force.

It’s often said that ‘love is blinding’ and it’s evident that love makes people do crazy things. Perhaps this is what causes many people to fear love.
It’s not often that somebody will fear being loved, it’s more likely that they’ll fear loving someone else.
… But love should NOT be feared.

Love is beautiful.
Love is adventurous.
Love is supportive.
Love is important.
Love is the greatest commandment.

It’s funny that loving another is feared, but in order to be fearless we must love.

Love is a powerful force that gives us the strength to take a leap of faith, to trust when we are unsure and to do for others what we don’t know we are capable of.

Never fear love… For it is the greatest gift of all time.

Believe in beauty!

With each passing year of highschool, I became more prone to a deathly anxiety.
I lost my childhood imagination and fearless personality. My 6 year old self would tell you stories of dragons and sings songs of princesses and fairies… While a small ten years later I wouldn’t allow myself to talk and sing of such ridiculous fantasy.

I had become so consumed in the ‘harsh reality’ of the world, that I could barely see the miraculous beauty of my surroundings.
I became so fixed on the idea that I could never make a difference to the world, while being completely blinded to the affect I had on every single person I smiled at, complimented, made laugh or spent time with.
I formed my opinion based on those around me, never truly thinking for myself.
When I was unsure of a choice to be made, I’d think of all the cons (being as catastrophic as possible) without fully taking the time to consider all the pros (and often ruling most of them out for being too far-fetched anyway).

This was wrong and lead me down a dark path of negativity – ignoring all the love, grace, honesty and sacrifice people make everyday.

Now I say… let your mind wander and sing of the impossible. Make decisions, make mistakes and then make new decisions. Don’t limit yourself and allow your heart to see all things beautiful.
Because in the end, we believe what we want to believe.
So why not believe in beauty?